Gets it Right ----
5 - 24 - 05
the 15-pound Burger
I’ll start this out by saying
Thank You to Dan for making me consider
a little more carefully my health and
the health of my family. It’s
never too late to do something about
your health, whether it’s in
your choices or a simple visit to the
And I’m so glad you’re
OK now Dan.
Anyway, back now to my rant. And yes,
this can officially be called a rant.
America is the fattest nation on Earth.
Now, I’m not looking to lay blame
on any one thing. There is plenty to
go around; genetics, choice, environment,
and the thing I’m going after
in this column, advertising.
America seems to have a lot of enemies,
al-Qai'da, North Korea, Canada. OK,
not Canada maybe, but there are plenty
of people who have it in for us.
Two other notorious outfits are right
here in our own country. They are Hardees
and their royal sidekick, Burger
King. I have discovered that their
inside code names are Profit and Heart
Disease. These code names were chosen
as an industry joke because
one is extremely important and the
other isn’t. I think you can
guess which is which.
With the low-carb/low-fat craze trying
to sweep the fattest nation on earth,
Hardees and Burger King have decided
they don’t want to have any part
of it. They are going a different way.
Yeah, sure, they both have healthier
choices on their menus, little salads
with low fat dressing or some sort
of grilled chicken-type substance with
low fat mayo on it. If you truly think
that either of these places is looking
out for your health, you are fooling
What is really interesting these days
is the type of advertising they are
doing. Sex has been the “Come
on and try our product” way of
doing things for years. Wasn’t
it Hardees that had the blond on the
mechanical bull eating the $6 burger?
Yeah, like she really eats those. I
would love to see the outtakes from
that commercial. Every time the director
yelled cut, she was probably ralphing
into a bucket.
No, this advertising seems to be
directed towards young men, maybe
even as a challenge. Both Hardees
and BK are playing the bully on the
beach, while the men who don’t
partake of their artery-clogging
products are the skinny guys getting
sand kicked in their faces. BK puts
it this way: if you can’t handle
the Enormous Omelet Sandwich, with
it’s 760 calories and 50 fat
grams, you are a wimpy little wussie.
Hardees says basically the same: “There’s
a reason we don’t give toys
with our food”. The next thing
you know a gigantic 2/3 lb. Monster
Thickburger, with its whopping 1,417
calories and mind-boggling 107 fat
grams, comes crashing down on a little
helpless plastic toy. Oh the humanity.
Even Ma and Pa burger joints are getting
in on the action. A place in New Jersey
has a 12 ½ pounder named Zeus.
And a place in Pennsylvania has a 15
pound mammoth they lovingly call the
Beer Barrel Belly Buster. Yeah, because
after you eat it, if you’re still
alive, you look like a beer barrel.
I think both of these places offer
you something completely stupid if
you eat the whole thing. Like a coupon
for a free burger as soon as you get
out of the hospital.
CNN reports on suicide bombers, starving
in Darfur, and then we see some college
yahoo woofing down a burger the size
of his car. Do you detect a disconnect
here? It’s no wonder some countries
If you haven’t seen the movie “Super
Size Me”, I highly recommend
it. It will open your eyes wider than
you’d like. McDonald’s
has since stopped super sizing their
value meals, which is a small but good
step in the right direction.
So men, don’t fall for this
blatant attack on your manhood. Eat
healthier - I’m not saying head
for the tofu bar, but just keep in
mind what you put in your mouth. Think
of the statistic that men die before
women. We need you around, your kids
need you around, the lawnmower needs
Until Next time......