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You Don't Know Jack Adkins

Jack AdkinsEditorial ----


The RVs Return to Capistano

IT'S OCTOBER and Fall is in the air here in Florida. One of the ways you can tell is that Northerners start arriving in their campers and RVs, the same as Swallows returning to Capistano. They come ready to dispense advice on everything under the sun and go around “high-fiving” their yankee buddies that stay here year-round. I guess it is a good thing though -- at least they have each found someone willing to listen to them.

This is also the time of year the new fall television shows start to appear on TV, for what THAT is worth. I’ve looked at a few of them, but it seems the only shows that interest me these days are the same ones I watched last year. I guess that after 49 years of watching TV, I have finally had enough of it. I watch the news to find out what is going on, but still I can’t be comfortable trusting the news to be accurate.

I went to the doctor a few weeks back and had a check-up. They say that men should get one every year after they reach age 40. So I did. They did the blood work and told me that I was a heart attack waiting to happen. Hmmm, that doesn’t sound to me like very good news.

They do the thing where they tell you your triglycerides, and how they are supposed to be no more than 150 at the most. Well, it turns out mine were 1,970. This kinda concerned the doc, and I must say it has me a little concerned too. So now they got me eating rabbit food and vegetarian this and that.

They also have me walking. I am walking everyday for at least and hour at a brisk pace, cranking up the heat discomfort factor. Here in good old’ Florida, you can work up a sweat just standing still.

I found out that the vegetarian meat substitute offerings are much better than they were a few years back. Those soy burgers almost taste like a real burger. On the bright side, one of my favorite foods, sushi, is actually good for me. I get to eat all the sushi I want as long as I leave the soy sauce alone. It is almost total sodium, which is a no-no for me. This really makes shopping in a grocery store an adventure.

Old Roy’s tiger munched on him in Las Vegas this week. I have been around big cats and they are scary creatures. They can mess you up bad just playing rough with you. I had a friend who was bitten by a cheetah when we all worked at Lion Country Safari. Come to think of it, he was an effeminate kind of fellow, much like old Roy. I wonder if cats just like to bite effeminate guys? Strange coincidence, huh? An elephant slapped me once while my friend Bonnie and I were feeding it peanuts. It was my fault. I walked up to the elephant in her blind spot and startled her. Not a good idea. I landed against a wall 10 feet away and about 10 feet off of the ground. I stopped feeding the elephant after that. Most of these animals were considered like pets. Big pets, too big for me.

Speaking of pets, my Dalmatian has stinking dog breath, so this evening I got one of those Listerine breath strips that come in those little dispensers. You know, the ones that are pocket sized with these little sheets of breath freshener that dissolves on your tongue. Well, I put it on his tongue and he went nuts! He was shaking his head and making a really serious YUCK face. He went around shaking his head for about five minutes. But his breath smelled better.

Well, anyway, stop by my house for Trick or Treat this year. I will be the guy giving out tofu and breath strips to kids.



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Donna Gets it Right!

Now that you have heard from our cuddly Teddy Bear, check out the wit and wisdom of Columnist Donna Jenkins Monnin >>>
Previous Rants

Anybody who wants to Know Jack Better can check out his earlier rants here:

The '73 Reunion and the Blast are now past >>>

Class of 1973 30-Year Reunion Report >>>

What I've Learned In Thirty Years >>>

Pre-Reunion Spoutings >>>

May and Memories of Summer >>>

Taxes and Bikini Waxes >>>

Late March potpourri>>>

Winter Doldrums etc. >>>

Telemarketers, ATMs and Raider fans >>

It Only Seems I've Gotten Mellow >>

End of the year Potpourri >>

Scrooge arrives early this year >>

Lighting up is getting harder in South Florida >>

Living with Yankee neighbors>>

The Bug Got Me and Other Stuff >>

Lauderdale, Attack Show Dogs and Beanie Baby Millionaires >>

Driver Insanity, Cabinets and Typhoid Mary >>

Clean Pot Holders and Shiny Tools >>

What time is Oprah on? >>

Pink Flamingoes are keeping me Awake >>

Don't Fish in Lightning Storms>>

I'm So Excited >>

Conspiracy Theory >>

Crying Towel >>

In With the New(year) >>

Blaming the Holidays >>